Self Sabotage

My guy took me on a date last night. We went to see a one-man play that I was just so excited to experience!

I love live theater, but it’s not something that my sweetie has a lot of experience with, so he was just kind of along for the ride.

Now, I have this ongoing story around my own needs and pleasures versus that of my partner’s (any partner, it’s not specific to the person). I have guilt around doing whatever I want to do without making allowances for what my partner wants to do. So, I don’t ask for what I need, and then, weirdly, I don’t get it, so then I get resentful for not getting it!

To be clear: first, I train a person that my needs don’t need to be considered, and then, I get all mad when they aren’t. Durrrr.

So, my experiences around dates in particular are fraught. But I’m making the effort. I’ve asked my fella to join me in doing something I really want to do, even though it’s not necessarily up his alley. He does it anyway. Why? Because he fucking loves me, that’s why.

But that’s not where I went last night.

From the moment we left the house, every one of his nuances – his tone, his expression, his eye contact or lack thereof, his jokes – everything pointed out to me how much he didn’t want to be there with me.

And I got mad! Right? I mean, I always make allowances. I’m always acquiescing, why can’t he just happily go along with ONE THING I want to do? Why does he have to act like this?

Then I caught some truth at dinner. Kinda smacked me across the face. I looked across the table at my love, and he looked…well…dejected.

I felt like I was slammed back into reality.

What’s wrong? I inquire. As if I didn’t know.

Well, it just seems like you’re trying to pick a fight with me tonight.

I sit for a minute. Half my brain is still trying to justify my anger at him, but the other half is seeping over – the side that caught myself in the act of total self sabotage. Cringe.

So I explain my “history” to him, how I always felt disregarded when I did things I wanted to do, Yada Yada Yada.

He listens. And says, well, I’m here babe. I don’t know what else you want?

I didn’t have an answer. So we finished dinner – at the restaurant that I wanted to eat at, and he wasn’t thrilled about – and then made our way through the snowy evening to the venue.

It took the time between the restaurant and the venue for both sides of my brain to level, and take in how I’d been working so very, very hard destroy my own wonderful evening.

But once I got there, to that place of acceptance, and thus, power, I could fix it. I could do it differently.

So I turned to my wonderful partner, and I said “can I have some love?”

I didn’t ask from a place of need. I didn’t ask from a place of desperation, or need to make it better. I didn’t ask from a place of needing forgiveness from him. I just asked for it, and he was free to say yes or no.

And his eyes smiled. He took me in his arms and kissed me right there in line, in front of everyone.

“Okay. Don’t be mean to me anymore.”

What I’m saying here, to you, is the hardest part is the seeing of the thing. It’s seeing ourselves fuck up our own life, fuck up the moment. It’s hard to see ourselves projecting, hard to see our minds manipulating us. Hard to see past the ego, and see the peaceful truth.

But that’s all it takes to completely transform your life in a single moment. Just to see.

So practice that if you want to transform the ugly to beauty, straw into gold, water into wine. And then tell me what happens!

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